Here comes the second episode… It’s now time for the cosmic side of the equation as the Science Patrol attempts first contact with aliens...
The Science Patrol is hanging out as usual in their base, when
The scene switches to exactly 38 hours ago, which was right in the middle of the night. Poor Ide mumbles and counts sheep in his bunk in the SP base, kept awake by Arashi’s sleep apnea. For some reason the two of them are dressed in their orange suits and bunking together… probably pulling night watch, are we?
Ide can only continue to whimper; after all, it would be nuts to wake up a sleeping bear. Suddenly the alarm rings and Arashi is quickly up. What the hell? Has he really been logging it all night? If not, he’s just unnaturally alert. But wait, there’s another thing wrong… just look at the picture below…
Tights! Holy shit, men in tights!!! I always knew that their pants were strangely slim, but this confirms it! Whatever happened to the cool overalls that the later teams sported? What protection do tights offer against the elements? They look like nylon too. Do you know what burning synthetic material can do on your skin? Try dripping some burning plastic on yourself and see. Men in tights… that’s kinda gay… I guess I’ll have to overlook this fashion faux pas; it’s Ultraman after all. Ide continues whimpering and after getting their act together, the both of them slide down a conveniently-placed fire pole to the control room below where Captain Mura and
Apparently an unidentified object has penetrated the airspace and Ide deduces it’s an UFO… Mura reveals that Hayata is already at an army base tracking it down and he gives the location of it being right in the city! The SP’s Paris HQ calls for some reason as well. Don’t really understand the next few sentences spoke; there. Too much advanced Chinese spoken here, and as I mentioned earlier, my Chinese is moderate at best.
Capt Mura summons Arashi to get ready and coughs in anticipation. It takes a few seconds for Arashi to pathetically notice that he’s wearing his night slippers instead of regulation boots. His face here really made me laugh. Arashi, all fired up to kick alien ass, only to find himself doing it in slippers. What a cockblock. Welcome to Dimsville, population-you, Arashi. Ide gets a kick out of this; revenge for the sleepless night! Instead, Arashi kicks Ide’s foot in retaliation sending him in pain. Raw flesh winning over leather boot? This and his other exploits serve only to show his musclery over mind.
The next day, Arashi is out and about in the official SP car, to the Scientific Technical Centre where reports of a UFO and strange beings roaming around. Suddenly Hoshino appears in the back seat with his stupid red cap… WTF? How did he get there? Arashi just acts like the concerned adult here but you can tell what’s really going on in his mind. Hoshino you fucking brat! I’m not going to take responsibility if the aliens disintegrate you! Sometimes it’s hard to be the older figure. Hoshino says he’s there to help, but to punish him for his nosiness, Arashi drifts the car, sending Hoshino’s unseatbelted ass all over the place.
Arashi arrives and does the usual ‘guard the car’ routine with Hoshino. It seems that the staff inside the STC is frozen in some green light. Arashi radioes to Hoshino to warn the SP and goes in to investigate. He sees the culprit, but is shot in the face and frozen too! That lobstery disposition, that fwo-fwo-fwo laugh… Congrats Arashi. You’ve been given the distinction of becoming one of the first victims of Ultraman’s infamous arch-enemy- Alien Baltan!
Hayata appears with some army muscle; the SP has to depend on them for their heavy artillery, while Hoshino gets chewed out by
Meanwhile, the Army heads and Mura sit down for a discussion; some nuclear fire is in order. Mura pleads for them to reconsider. After all, this is a First Contact situation, and there could be misunderstandings. The rest of the generals shut his ass down for being a pansy and after hearing the meeting out the head general nods at Mura in acknowledgement… Man that scene was scary. It’s like implying that he and Mura were shower room buddies or something. Eventually, the SP is given some leeway; they have a chance to negotiate with them before the Army launches cones of destruction (missiles) at them.
That night, the missiles are prepped at the Army base while the Army and the SP siege the STC. Hayata and IDe lead the charge, with Ide wielding the Spider-shot in memory of Arashi. But at the last minutes at the entrance Ide chickens out; Does the Spider-shot have enough energy? What to do when the alien appears? Will Hayata back him up? Of course, silly. He’s fucking Hayata.
However inside it’s Hayata’s turn to chicken out, saying he’ll guard the lower floor while the whimpering Ide goes up. Grow a pair Ide. Up you go! Ide gains some courage after an encounter with a mirror and soon finds Alien Baltan. Alien Baltan is ghosting around so Ide tries out his dumbass moonspeak to try to communicate with it. Hey, I’m all out for supporting the goofy secondary characters, but Keep that retarded stuff Ide, and I might have to change my focus. Poor Ide is left dumbfounded while Alien Baltan continues to ghost all over the place, fwo-fwo-fwoing in his face as if to say to Ide ‘Ha Ha! You’re fucked now!’ Ide is captured and turned into Alien Baltan’s bitch-er-prisoner, and is taken up to the rooftop. From out of the shadows steps out a figure… Zombie Arashi!
Alien Baltan has possessed Arashi and used him as a translator; man does Ide feel dumb for spouting out that retarded moonspeak earlier. Hayata suddenly appears as well and the negotiation begins in earnest. It seems that the Baltan homeworld in the M240 galaxy tanked from one too many nuclear tests. While looking for a new home, their UFO encountered engine trouble, so they went out looking in the STC for spare parts. Finding Earth to be kinda ghetto, they decided they’ll take it for themselves! Yu can see how this goes down with the rest of them. Hayata says fine, if they’ll observe earth laws, but that’s absurd. Zombie Arashi adds as well that there are approximately 6 billion of them, shrunk to microscopic size, waiting in the UFO. Mars is considered an alternative, but they decline ‘No fuck you, it sucks there.’ Eventually they decide that time for bullshitting is over and grow to giant size to begin the invasion.
Alien Baltan’s first act is to sideswipe Hayata, causing butterfingers to drop the Beta Capsule on a ledge. The Army launches their missiles, knocking Alien Baltan down. Alien Baltan just sheds its skin, and shrugs it off. The gloves are off now; it’s pissed! Alien Baltan proceeds to blow up the area with its claw cannons and flies off to resume to the invasion. Back at the STC, Hayata does a leap of faith, grabs the beta and transforms into Ultraman for a boring and uninteresting battle…
When I say boring and uninteresting, I mean it. For one, they decided to go with an aerial battle instead of the usual tussle, which means watching two poorly-made models getting thrown around on wires. Secondly, its at night, which means watching two poorly-made models getting thrown around on wires in the dark. I can see why aerial battles were shunned in the old series. With the advent of CGI, it was only then they could be fully realized. Also, the director screwed up the lighting. You can see absolutely shit, save for the light glinting off Alien Baltan’s lacquered body. Double fail. Lazy Mura and
Ultraman and Alien Baltan chase each other down and struggle in the air… He manages to snap off Alien Baltan’s claw but despite thatm Baltan still manages to shoot after Ultraman’s ass. Eventually, Ultraman manages to Specium Beam Alien Baltan and its flaming body falls down to the Earth. Next comes the question of all the other Baltanians in the UFO. Ultraman finds it using his eye beams and carts it off. Puzzling is fact that the next scene shows dawn and a burst of light and the sound of explosion is heard. I bet I know the question in your minds right now; did Ultraman just commit mass genocide?
Now that was a great big red herring. Coming back to the true story of the episode, how Ide got that big fucking black eye, Ide explains that after the battle, he went back to sleep… This time however, Ide is the snorer while poor Arashi struggles. The boot’s on the other foot now Arashi! But poor Ide in his sleep rolls off his top bunk and slams his face on the floor… and that’s what caused the black eye. Moral of the story here folks: Whoever snores first wins. Just make sure you don’t fall down.
Many consider this a classic episode and I can see why. In my knowledge, this is the first one not to take itself seriously. It’s rare to see an Ultraman episode as light-hearted as this. The mystery twist in the later part of the story and Alien Baltan’s close-up suit effects was cool as well. It’s probably the success of these type of episodes that led the second series, Ultraseven, to be an almost entirely space alien fare. Now the battle, like I said sucked. Maybe they spent all the money hiring the extras and renting the building so they had to skimp? Maybe the Alien Baltan suit’s detailing cost too much? In any case, they probably learnt their lesson. Shit like this wasn’t seen again in a long time. Yeah, I’m sure I’ll complain like hell if the only action I see is two guys in a suit spinning crazily around.
Monster & Space Alien review: Alien Baltan
The apparently called space ninja, Alien Baltan has a shitload of weapons on him to reflect that statement. Teleportation abilities, size changing, paralyzing rays, claw cannons, bodily possession… the list goes on. I guess when the episode was conceived, Alien Baltan’s design was for shock value: If you encountered a lobster being with glowing yellow eyes staring at you, fwo-fwo-fwoing, who wouldn’t piss themselves? It’s these things you saw as a kid that made it this popular. Well, maybe in the 60’s at least.
This one is more of the goofy incarnations of Alien Baltan. Later ones like Alien Baltan II and Psycho Baltan are inherently more menacing. Strangely, enough, some people also find the design of Alien Baltan… cute. Yes, look hard enough and you can find plushies of him. Although I’m a fan of Ultraman’s space alien designs (Ultrazeven & Ultraman Ace are my favourites) my sense of reality is not that warped. Alien Baltan does the job, serving to showcase what other galactic fiends Ultraman will face in the future.
